The Machine is a movie by director Peter Atencio and is based on a comedy skit by Bert ‘The Machine’ Kreischer. And dear gods it’s so boring I almost fell asleep. How? It’s got the biggest ‘party dude’ ever in it. Yes, it does. It also has Mark Hammill in. So one would expect a story that doesn’t feel like it’s from the 90s. Until you realise that the main star’s big pull is his past. And that past is being the biggest party dude ever.
If I was 18, I’d probably love this movie. I think. I say I ‘think’ because if I was 18 I’d probably not know who the hell Bert is. He’s a middle aged fat dude, who takes his top off as his ‘thing’. Ha ha! His top is off! Funny, right? I suppose everyone has their own sense of humour, but I don’t find it very funny. But that’s because I’m 44 years old and stopped laughing at my own farts a long time ago. And that is what The Machine is.
It’s a nostalgia trip back in time for those who love Bert. And I’m all for that. I just can’t believe they managed to make the movie dull. It’s probably that way because it’s frame so poorly. It’s one of those ‘he’s going through things so he’s alienated from his family. Now the adventure happens. He’s learnt. Now things are better.’ It’s been done to death. But hey! This is based on “reality“. It’s Bert’s true life story.
Story?
So what happens? Well Bert is made to return to Russia to find a pocket watch that he helped steal. He’s made to do this by some Russian gangsters. In the mix is his dad, Luke Skywalker. Such a weird choice but that’s that’s the joke, I guess. We’re shown a ton of flashbacks to Bert’s initial trip to Russia. And him as a youngster. And quite frankly all this did was make me dislike the character even more. He’s an imbeciel whose virtues are things teenagers think are cool. But he’s 50. Again, maybe that’s the joke?
Story aside. And my god, please, let’s put it aside. It’s asinine, boring, generic, and has been done so many times but better I had to force myself to stay awake. It’s just not very funny. I watched this in the cinema, by the way. Not alone like some old, grumpy git. And I did laugh. I think 5, maybe 6 times. And so did the cinema. All at those exact times. But that was it. All the jokes are in the trailer. So just watch that. It’ll spare you a waste of 1 1/2 hours.
This felt like Bert cashing in on a story he told decades ago. It’s badly written. Poorly acted. And hell, it’s a bit of a shit show. It will have an audience with old frat boys and the like, as I can see by some of the Rotten Tomato comments. But this is like a C-Grade comedy action.
I give The Machine, a movie probably written by AI, a…
4/10
All the series and all the movies couldn't put society back together again.