Resident Evil Netflix: IP Hijacking at its worst

Resident Evil is a game I loved as a kid. They have tried, oh-so-hard to make a decent movie, but alas, they’ve never been great. The first with Milla Jovovich, and made by her husband Paul W. S. Anderson, was loads of camp fun. The second was also quite a good laugh. But the others, in particular the last film, are heaps of garbage best left in a tip. From terrible directing to stories that made no sense, they were all over the place. So I hoped, oh GOD, I hoped that Netflix would get it right. And they have failed. HARD. So hard IMDB has it on 3.4/10

Now before I get started on this, I want to point out that I am talking about the production of the show. As in, the camera, the writing, the acting, and lighting etc. I don’t want to venture into the story as it’s been told in the many games as I haven’t played everyone of them. And I can objectively say that this series, is shit. No, I mean it. Objectively. When you can point out actual stuff that is happening, and say THAT is why it’s shit. And I was doing that every minute.

Resident Dreadful

Resident Evil on Netflix feels like it was won by a production company by accident and they had to then deliver. But only after they pocketed 50% of the budget while thanking Netflix. This is pure IP Hijacking. What I mean by this term is they have taken a beloved IP, and run with it with no intention of delivering a decent script. I’m not kidding! Here’s an example…

Two sisters, who live alone with their dad (Lance Reddick, the only decent actor in this show), want to release some rabbits because they are… vegan… The are able to break into a highly secure Umbrella facility, a building that houses biological experiments by ‘using a recording of their dad’s voice’. That’s it. Nothing else. No hacking, no sneaking in a back door. Nope. Walking straight into the building’s front door with a cell phone recording of a voice. No guards. No cameras. Nudda. It’s harder to get into my fucking house than this Umbrella facility and I have a cat flap!

Stupid is as stupid writes

The fact that they have split the story into 2, one set in the ‘present’ and the other at the flash point of the virus breaking free, had me in high hopes. Instead, it has you in high-school. I’m not kidding. The first episode has the sisters, Billie and her older sister Jade, in a high school, going through the usual high school rubbish. Billie is getting picked on by a bully. Like, beaten up and such. So Jade gets dressed up as a football mascot, and beats the crap out of the bully. And then hides the mascot suit in her younger sister’s locker. Which is of course found by the principle which leads to Billie in trouble. Why? WHY would her older sister do this to her?! We don’t learn. But Jade does apologise to her and you’re left wondering, well? Why the hell did you do this!?

It’s terrible writing like this that hade me turn of this abomination before the end of episode 2. The last time I had to bug out this early was watching the equally tragic The Watch. The writing fails all over the place. As do the characters.

Characters we don’t care about

Evelyn Marcus is an annoying, surly character that has some of the dumbest lines and motivations that I’ve seen an a show. Her drugs are literally turning people into zombies. Evelyn ‘there are no side effects’. It’s just stupid. They have a character, played by Turlough Convery, who doesn’t appear to even have a name. He’s some fat block, in a crap suit, who seems to head up the armed division of Umbrella. He’s constantly eating, because fat, and laughs manically when he asks his troops to kill. It’s, again, embarrassing to watch.

I’ve only seen 2 episodes. And I don’t intend on watching any move. This is an abuse of a popular IP where the game was to tick some boxes at the lowest budget. The only kicks I got out of it was pointing out areas in my home city of Cape Town.

From the 2 episodes I have seen, I give Resident Evil: Netflix

3/10